Waking up early on this May morning, ready for our ultrasound appointment at the Thai public hospital, I felt a pang of nerves. I do not know why, there was no one reason I could pinpoint as to what was triggering these apprehensive feelings.
Was I nervous at what the doctors would say? Was I nervous that there might be a problem, gone unnoticed until now? Was I nervous at seeing you? Like a blind date, not sure at what to expect when you turn up, instead of the confidence you thought would swarm you, shy and timid start to creep in and take over.
Maybe I didn’t want to know if you were a boy or a girl yet, instead keeping you a secret for a bit longer, enjoying the bubble of mystery growing inside of me.
Waiting in the antenatal clinic
At the hospital, 50 other pregnant women already congregating in the narrow corridors of the antenatal clinic, we were in for a long wait. My emotions were high as I was passed around from one person to the next, not knowing if I was in the right place or doing the right thing. I eventually sat down on a plastic chair next to Jmayel and waited. Scared to move from my claimed spot in case they called my number, with no noticeable system, it could have happened at anytime.
The air hot and humid, We waited some more. Time trickled by slowly.
Over 4 hours had passed by when we eventually walked into the ultrasound room, the cooling air conditioning a welcome break from the hot and stuffy corridor outside. I laid on the squishy bed, a nurse came over to cover my legs with a blanket and a blob of cool jelly appeared on my tummy.
The doctor asked if i was ready as he flicked on the screen in front of him. I think so.
The doctor beginning the ultrasound
The hesitant feelings from the morning and the patience testing age just moments previously, vanished. This was the moment we had been waiting hours for, weeks for.
The magic wand in the doctors hand pressing firmly into my belly, smudging the gel over my skin and just like that, you appeared.
So much bigger than the first time we saw you on the screen 5 weeks before, you were no longer a jelly bean like blob, you now had bones and fingers, you have tiny little toes!
There you are … in black and white
Your heart beating fast, pulsating in front of my eyes on the hospital monitor. Then the doctor turned on the sound and there you were, that silent shadowy shape suddenly came to life.
Seeing you growing inside my tummy was a moment I will cherish.
Seeing your daddy’s face as he looked into the screen, then at me, his mouth cracked with emotion, not sure if he was going to laugh or cry.
That is a moment I will never forget.
Proudly clutching our little image of you
So, are you a boy or a girl? We found out on this day, but that will stay a secret for a while longer.
These are your first moments.
A bigger you, growing everyday